Being a woman, being a Christian

Rough day today, would love your prayers.  Kev and I had a bad disagreement last night related to sex and romance.   We haven’t discussed it because we knew it was best to wait until we were both rested, well at least that’s what I was thinking.  Argggg, marriage is so tough, especially, having been gone for 3 months.  I have changed so much and seen things that I want to change and now I’m back to a normal life and nothing else has changed but me.   

I am trying to be conscious of the fact that we are all busy and not write too much but I have to get this thought out because it is powerful and I feel causing a lot of confusion in me.   

Last fall I did a lot of work with domestic violence.  One of the first things I did was attended a 12 hour workshop on DV.  During that  I realized I had experienced emotional abuse at the hands of an old boyfriend.  That made me angry and was the motivation for several paradigm shifts. I also did some work for an abuse shelter and joined a womans lib lunch group (I was invited by a really sweet woman and was hoping to make some friends).  We didn't talk about bombing anything just life and our experiences.  I felt at home and empowerd.  I started to see some of the oppression that happens to women.  I saw it in my work and in some of the conversations I had with religious people. 

The program director at STW said many times we should not have to apologize for our emotions or for feeling what we feel. She said we as woman apologize for ourselves far too much.  We apologize for being us! 

 I also connected a lot with the Deaf community over being Deaf and oppressed because I saw that as a woman I have experienced and do experience some of that oppression.  Not to the same extent but it is there.  I also realized that one of the major ways the Lord showed me Kev was for me when we were talking about marriage was that he treated me as an equal.  He respect me and didn’t expect me to fill a specific roll just because I was a woman.  So even though I didn't realize it this idea runs deep!

I’ve been having some really major talks with Yahweh of late.  I’ve been doubting a lot and trying to work on that hence “The List”.  One of the major things I have seen with oppressed groups is often they  don’t recognize they are oppressed  and they view there oppressors with fondness, respect and even love unknowingly supporting their lesser rank.  If you ask them about the oppressor they will state something that does not seem congruent with their experience.  Now here is the thing that has hit me. It  is a little bit disconnected but hopefully you can follow my thought process :).   I know a LOT of Christians who talk about God and quote scripture and say all these things but when you look at their life they are “oppressed”  they are bound up in anger, fear, guilt, hate etc.  They witness to their friends and talk about God all the time but they are not free and they don’t even know it!

So my question is:  am I them?

There are things about Christianity that don’t work. . .I don’t think this statement is heretical I think the things that don’t work are cultural and social and have nothing to do with Biblical truth but we are entrenched in them.  In our minds they are what Christians do and that is why we are tied up in behaviors, patterns and expectations that blind us to the Truth that is right in front of us.  

Thus my deep question is Am I them?  If the answer is yes how do I find freedom?  If the answer is no  how do I help them?  I think the answer is sometimes. . .

hil